Sunday, November 30, 2008

Manic-Depressive Illness

Manic depression or bipolar disorder is a serious 
mental illness that often leads to suicide. I have
been one of the lucky ones so far. But even I am
starting to experience a deeper depressive cycle
as I get older. I do not take lithium because I want
my manic creative cycle to thrive & be productive.
But the use of such medication only stifles the 
creative process while numbing it to death.

I never think about killing myself while in a mania.
It is only the depressive cycle that does that & lately
for me, I have been way depressed & thinking about
just ending it all. But it is the hope of creation that
keeps me going & hanging on. That is to say, when I
create art, I feel good & up & proud of such creation
but depression kills all creation while trying to kill
me as well.

Most people with bipolarity just take lithium, but
most people are not as creative as I. Not to brag but
it is just the truth. I am very creative when manic.
So, I need to always be in a controlled mania but 
that is not always easy to do. For the first time in
my life, I am having to fight with deep depression
& that scares the hell right out of me. 

Dear G-d, please give me the strength & will to 
keep living while depressed................amen.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Open Letter to President elect Barack Obama

Dear Mr. President Elect Barack Obama

First I would like to congratulate U on your victory
& say that U have the blessing of the Lord upon U.
I was very glad to hear that U sir will be the first 
U.S.A. President to have a computer on your desk.
That means that maybe someday U will come here
to my little weblog de fuego & see my struggles as
an artist with bipolarity. Not that I am complaining
about anything but rather trying to explain & share
my story with this illness of bipolarity.

But during the sharing & explaining, I sometimes go
to far while in a mania, & call myself the Achrist or
Anti-Christ. Dear Mr. President elect, please try to
understand that my Achrist self is a symptom of my
bipolarity & rather comes & goes. I am mentally ill
& really pose no threat to U nor your purposes.
With that said, I invite U sir Mr. President elect
Barack Obama, to enjoy my art, which is also a
symptom of my bipolarity.

Your humble servant
Angel de Fuego
crazy artist

click here Mr. President elect to hear my music
& enjoy.

On Creating While Depressed

After further consideration of depression & creation
as it effects me personally. I now see that I can indeed
create while depressed as in sitting at the piano & just
playing something improvisational while depressed.
This works well if such music is recorded as in music
software & midi scores. That way I have a finished
written scored piece of music/art that I have created 
while depressed.

But for the M.S. Paintings, I have to struggle to sit there
& just do them. But if I was in a mania, then the doing of 
the paintings would almost be as simple as the music scores.
It is the super energy power of a full mania that allows me
to master all 3 arts music painting & poetry. But while
in a depression I can't even be the master of bation.
So creating while depressed must be forced like disciplined
while creating  in a mania, is a pleasure and ease to do.

I would love to always be in a controlled mania of artistic
creation & feeling great. But since I am prone to depression
then I either have to learn to create while depressed or
die while trying. Where in hell is my genie when I really
need him? 

Christmas is Next

Bah Humbug!
Black Friday Black Christmas Black President

The term "Black Friday" originated in Philadelphia in reference 
to the heavy traffic on that day. (see 'Origin of the name' below)
 More recently, merchants and the media have used it instead to 
refer to the beginning of the period in which retailers are in the
 black (i.e., turning a profit).

The news media frequently refer to Black Friday as the busiest 

retail shopping day of the year, but this is not always accurate. 

While it has been one of the busiest days in terms of customer

 traffic,[1][2] in terms of actual sales volume, from 1993 through

 2001 Black Friday was usually the fifth to tenth busiest day.[3]

 In 2002 and 2004, however, Black Friday ranked second place,[4]

 and in 2003 and 2005, Black Friday actually did reach first place.[5] 

The busiest retail shopping day of the year in the United States

 (in terms of both sales and customer traffic) usually has been the

Saturday before Christmas.[6]

from wikipedia here

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving 2008

rainy thanksgiving day outside my front door. date on photo
not correct, photo taken today.

I am thankful 4 my depression which is teaching me
things about my bipolar self. As an artist I depend on
my manic up side to create & just feel well. The depression
melts away the grandiose intentions & manic ego but also
depletes the energy needed for artistic endeavors. So I am
trying to create while depressed. It's not easy but can 
only be done by forceful willpower. This too (creating while 
depressed) is something new in my life, or at least seems 
that way.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Art Lives Forever

Raphael et Asmodeus  M.S. Painting by Angel de Fuego 2008.

My Art like the art of others, will live on
to inspire others that such things R possible.
To see & learn more click here.

Monday, November 17, 2008

True Creative Genius Has No Voice

Michael & the Dragon by Angel De Fuego 2008
click here to see the history of this M.S. Painting.

I am silent, but my art screams genius.
Yet no one hears it screaming since it is
hidden in the back of life. Put there by other
artists now famous yet without true genius.
They whisper their so called art, & everyone 
listens. But what R they saying, but the same.

Same ol rap crap same ol rock & roll same ol 
country same ol poetry & the same ol paintings.
My piano music is real genius compared to any
rap or rock music out there today. But since my
style is NOT popular among all the ignorant 
masses of people, then i am ignored for the
stupid simple shit. That makes me really sad.

I am a creative genius who is being ignored by the
public because of this ignorant world system of
petty shit being put on the pedestal of life by big
corporations of consumer products like those found
in every corner market of life. My product is music
painting & poetry, that nobody needs since they R
all already being stimulated & entertained by other
artists who R really not as good as I or offering the
same old thing.

This one single piano piece here speaks for itself
which I wrote in 1997. I have tons of beautiful art
just being ignored by everyone. And that's a shame!

for more info about me & my art problem.

to see more of my M.S. Paintings.

Go here to hear some of my poetry read
to U & to read some yourself.

& finally go here to see who I really am. 

Sunday, November 16, 2008

We The Mentally Ill.....

We the mentally ill, have no platform from
which to speak. & even if we did, Who would 
listen? I might as well be talking to the 4 walls
that now surround me, & i am. Hello walls,
how R U today? Hey walls, did U know that I
a mentally ill person creates beautiful piano
music? Ya, but U probably don't care!

Anyway, as i was saying, as a person with bipolarity
i am automatically labeled with a stigma, & force
put into a box of their (those who R not mentally
ill) choosing. Usually this box is labeled: Pandora
never open. & when someone does come along &
open said box, I jump out looking like death but
with beautiful art to share with the world.

Does the art give me special privilege? No not really
although it has 4 other artists in the past 4-5 hundred
years. Some artists have even raised up from the gutter
& ghetto, to rub shoulders with Kings & presidents.
So my overall potential as an artist, somehow does give
me a special status among others who R not creative genius
artist like me. & all this of course is all documented through
out history, so how could i be making this up.

Now that we R all clear on this artis status thing & that I
am as good as a King or president, then may i say that
being the Achrist (though manifest as living art) does 
indeed set me at the level of kings & according to history.
I therefore being granted all the rights & benefits of a King
do hereby use my Kingly power as Achrist to declare 
myself insane & to be committed to an asylum nearest U.
Shall we pray:

O Lord God Jehovah, we pray that i the Achrist will be
committed to something & some cause, before it's too
late. What? Forget it!   amen.nema.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

It Comes In waves

When the depression hits me, it comes on in waves.
Until the waves are crashing against the rocks & shore.
Then I get nervous & antsy & nothings agrees with me.
Then I just either want to kill myself or everyone else.
I feel like no one out there cares about me & what's
worse, nobody out there even knows that I exist,
that is to say, concerning my art & as an artist.

This kind of depression is cyclical and gets worse
with age & over the years. This Weblog De Fuego
has been the main crucible & recording journal of
such ups & downs of my artistic temperament with
bipolarity. As far as me thinking that I am the Achrist
& openly declaring it on most all my blogs, is not 4
any of U to be concerned with. Rather it is true or not
is not the issue here. While said issue is nicely put
away in a box titled my insanity, there it stays until
the aliens (in the future) find it, & make me one of
their mythical gods.

As far as the peanut butter & jelly sandwich goes,
that goes to joe the plumber. So, why would anyone
in their right or left mind want to read anything on
this stupid Weblog De Fuego? 
To learn about bipolarity & creative genius & to see
or read first hand about a crazy guy (me) & his ups
& downs with bipolarity & as an artist who thinks
he is the Achrist. Something which is common among
true bipolar people, is their grandiosity & I excel in

I personally think that my life is a fascinating and 
eye opening study in such things as creative genius
& the bipolar connection. I even openly claim that
I am insane & getting paid 4 it by the State of 
California. Jeeez Luiz what else do U want. If U R a 
psychology student interested in such things.....
......then I'm your man. Study me & be set free on
your way to a PhD.

Also note that the up swing to such deathly depression
in my beautiful art......Yes i am insane & just plain 
obnoxious at times, but my beautiful piano music
makes up for it here and here,

Friday, November 14, 2008

Too Depressed to work

Waiting for the up swing in my artistic
temperament, is always hell 4 me.
No artist can work while depressed.
All i can do right now is to entertain 
myself by playing with my train simulator
or something stupid and simple like that.

Depression 4 me is like death to my creativity.
I just hate it. Hopefully this depressive cycle 
won't last long, and i can get back to creating
art again. 4 U people that R interested in such
things as artistic temperament and the creative
cycles of someone like me.......then stick around
and learn by watching me first hand & how I
operate as an artist.

I create when I'm up & I curse and hate when I'm down.
But if U R new here, U should check out my actual art
to get a better idea of what the hell I'm talking about.
All my art Music, Paintings and Poetry R found from
right here on this page.........Enjoy all my art.

Also, I am the only artist in the world that is a master
of all three (3) arts, painting poetry and music. click the
above blue links to see 4 yourself and Enjoy.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

too risky

i am still being watched & followed by agencies 
all around the i will continue to use
the code whisper font 4 this post & in the future

I may have to close down all (41) my blogs &
disappear 4 a while underground..............
i will know 4 sure in a few days.......over.

also, code whisper will remain in effect until
further notice. 

Journal of a Depressed Artist

Day 1
got nothing done.
Day 2
got nothing done.
Day 3
got nothing done.
Day 4

if i could just get my hands around your throat  
it would all be over in a minute............or two.

First comes the depression, then i start to get evil.
then step by step, slowly i turn, until... your dead bitch.

The up beat of creation has the down swing of depression.
While the up beat of depression, has the down swing of
life & death.

Angel De Fuego

Also my spidy Achrist sense tells me that I am being watched
& even at times followed. Both on & off the net.sssssssshhhhhh
we need to whisper now, so i will use this small font as such a 

I Can't Get No

I can't get no satisfaction from any aspect of life.
Someone just kill me please. G:-(> Depression is
a bitch, & then U die. Happiness is a warm gun.
Too depressed 4 art, & that's really bad.
could led to war
could lead to blood shed
could lead to murder
could lead to guns
could lead to pain
could lead to chocolate?
could lead to joy
could lead to fun
could lead to life
could lead to satisfaction
could lead to I doubt it
could lead to more depression
could lead to water
could not make me drink
could make me dizzy 
could make me fall
could make me stop.

When I feel this depressed, I just want to
start killing people starting with U!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Today I'm

I wish i was dead & gone already. i hate life.
no body likes body loves me........
...... guess i'll go eat worms.

p.s.'s a lot more FUN being a creative
genius in MANIA, than a creative genius 
who is depressed. bha hum bug.....i'm just
no fun right now.......warning all stay away
or i will symbolically kill U all.....well i was
going to do that anyway but....what? forget it!

Monday, November 10, 2008

The Voice in my Head

The voice in my head tells me to kill,
but i don't have strength nor have I the will.

The voice in my head tells me to lie
but I don't have words to ask myself why.

The voice in my head tells me I'm God,
But I see right thru such crystal facade.

The voice in my head tells me to hate,
but i only know how to love, though it's late. 

Saturday, November 08, 2008

My Mental Illness....

My mental illness is controlling me.
It tells me what to do & what to say.
It dress's me in the morning, & it tucks
me in bed at night. It follows me every
where i go. It sometimes tells me to
kill evil people, but i am strong enough
to ignore it then. 

But other times it overwhelms me with
depression & i just want to kill myself,
but i am strong enough to ignore it then.
Other times it tells me lies about U and
them & those other people that we don't 
like. It says that U want to kill me?
Is that true?
U R being scanned by the Achrist.
If it is true, then i will soon know it.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Yes We Did

President Barack Obama

Now that we did, we also can again. Change will happen 
thru President elect Barack Obama. We all got what we
prayed 4, so now lets thank God & be glad that our
President is a good man & WILL lead us his people
out of Bushville & to our long waited 4 promised land

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Obama Wins Election

Obama wins the election:
Thank U God Jehovah 4 answering my prayers 
to curse McCain & Palin to their failure.

May you Lord, Bless Obama & the task set before him,
that he Obama my lead our Nation back to the promise
land, amen. 

Back Home In California

Rolled into town last night.
It's good to be back home.

To Sarah Palin I say:
I curse a U & i curse a U shoes....
U lying stupid bitch .....amen

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Wireless in Junction

View from our condo in St. Pete Florida.

my leather pants & Harley on photos not 
wife is driving.

Fred waving to his fans on Halloween day.... somewhere 
between Florida & Texas.

I am wireless in Junction Texas off (I 10 West)
heading back to California. Trip to
Florida was a success. Photos to
follow later.