Manic-Depressive Illness

Manic depression or bipolar disorder is a serious 

mental illness that often leads to suicide. I have

been one of the lucky ones so far. But even I am

starting to experience a deeper depressive cycle

as I get older. I do not take lithium because I want

my manic creative cycle to thrive & be productive.

But the use of such medication only stifles the 

creative process while numbing it to death.

I never think about killing myself while in a mania.

It is only the depressive cycle that does that & lately

for me, I have been way depressed & thinking about

just ending it all. But it is the hope of creation that

keeps me going & hanging on. That is to say, when I

create art, I feel good & up & proud of such creation

but depression kills all creation while trying to kill

me as well.

Most people with bipolarity just take lithium, but

most people are not as creative as I. Not to brag but

it is just the truth. I am very creative when manic.

So, I need to always be in a controlled mania but 

that is not always easy to do. For the first time in

my life, I am having to fight with deep depression

& that scares the hell right out of me. 

Dear G-d, please give me the strength & will to 

keep living while depressed................amen.

Open Letter to President elect Barack Obama

Dear Mr. President Elect Barack Obama

First I would like to congratulate U on your victory

& say that U have the blessing of the Lord upon U.

I was very glad to hear that U sir will be the first 

U.S.A. President to have a computer on your desk.

That means that maybe someday U will come here

to my little weblog de fuego & see my struggles as

an artist with bipolarity. Not that I am complaining

about anything but rather trying to explain & share

my story with this illness of bipolarity.

But during the sharing & explaining, I sometimes go

to far while in a mania, & call myself the Achrist or

Anti-Christ. Dear Mr. President elect, please try to

understand that my Achrist self is a symptom of my

bipolarity & rather comes & goes. I am mentally ill

& really pose no threat to U nor your purposes.

With that said, I invite U sir Mr. President elect

Barack Obama, to enjoy my art, which is also a

symptom of my bipolarity.

Your humble servant

Angel de Fuego

crazy artist

click here Mr. President elect to hear my music

& enjoy.

On Creating While Depressed

After further consideration of depression & creation

as it effects me personally. I now see that I can indeed

create while depressed as in sitting at the piano & just

playing something improvisational while depressed.

This works well if such music is recorded as in music

software & midi scores. That way I have a finished

written scored piece of music/art that I have created 

while depressed.

But for the M.S. Paintings, I have to struggle to sit there

& just do them. But if I was in a mania, then the doing of 

the paintings would almost be as simple as the music scores.

It is the super energy power of a full mania that allows me

to master all 3 arts music painting & poetry. But while

in a depression I can't even be the master of bation.

So creating while depressed must be forced like disciplined

while creating  in a mania, is a pleasure and ease to do.

I would love to always be in a controlled mania of artistic

creation & feeling great. But since I am prone to depression

then I either have to learn to create while depressed or

die while trying. Where in hell is my genie when I really

need him? 

Christmas is Next

Bah Humbug!

Black Friday Black Christmas Black President

The term "Black Friday" originated in Philadelphia in reference 

to the heavy traffic on that day. (see 'Origin of the name' below)

 More recently, merchants and the media have used it instead to 

refer to the beginning of the period in which retailers are in the

 black (i.e., turning a profit).

The news media frequently refer to Black Friday as the busiest 

retail shopping day of the year, but this is not always accurate. 

While it has been one of the busiest days in terms of customer

 traffic,^[1][2] in terms of actual sales volume, from 1993 through

 2001 Black Friday was usually the fifth to tenth busiest day.^[3]

 In 2002 and 2004, however, Black Friday ranked second place,^[4]

 and in 2003 and 2005, Black Friday actually did reach first place.^[5] 

The busiest retail shopping day of the year in the United States

 (in terms of both sales and customer traffic) usually has been the

Saturday before Christmas.^[6]

from wikipedia here

Happy Thanksgiving 2008

rainy thanksgiving day outside my front door. date on photo

not correct, photo taken today.

I am thankful 4 my depression which is teaching me

things about my bipolar self. As an artist I depend on

my manic up side to create & just feel well. The depression

melts away the grandiose intentions & manic ego but also

depletes the energy needed for artistic endeavors. So I am

trying to create while depressed. It's not easy but can 

only be done by forceful willpower. This too (creating while 

depressed) is something new in my life, or at least seems 

that way.

 

Art Lives Forever

Raphael et Asmodeus  M.S. Painting by Angel de Fuego 2008.

My Art like the art of others, will live on

to inspire others that such things R possible.

To see & learn more click here.

True Creative Genius Has No Voice

Michael & the Dragon by Angel De Fuego 2008

click here to see the history of this M.S. Painting.

I am silent, but my art screams genius.

Yet no one hears it screaming since it is

hidden in the back of life. Put there by other

artists now famous yet without true genius.

They whisper their so called art, & everyone 

listens. But what R they saying, but the same.

Same ol rap crap same ol rock & roll same ol 

country same ol poetry & the same ol paintings.

My piano music is real genius compared to any

rap or rock music out there today. But since my

style is NOT popular among all the ignorant 

masses of people, then i am ignored for the

stupid simple shit. That makes me really sad.

I am a creative genius who is being ignored by the

public because of this ignorant world system of

petty shit being put on the pedestal of life by big

corporations of consumer products like those found

in every corner market of life. My product is music

painting & poetry, that nobody needs since they R

all already being stimulated & entertained by other

artists who R really not as good as I or offering the

same old thing.

This one single piano piece here speaks for itself

which I wrote in 1997. I have tons of beautiful art

just being ignored by everyone. And that's a shame!

Go to:  firstchurchofbipolarity.com

for more info about me & my art problem.

Go to: gallerydefuego.com

to see more of my M.S. Paintings.

Go here to hear some of my poetry read

to U & to read some yourself.

& finally go here to see who I really am. 

We The Mentally Ill.....

We the mentally ill, have no platform from

which to speak. & even if we did, Who would 

listen? I might as well be talking to the 4 walls

that now surround me, & i am. Hello walls,

how R U today? Hey walls, did U know that I

a mentally ill person creates beautiful piano

music? Ya, but U probably don't care!

Anyway, as i was saying, as a person with bipolarity

i am automatically labeled with a stigma, & force

put into a box of their (those who R not mentally

ill) choosing. Usually this box is labeled: Pandora

never open. & when someone does come along &

open said box, I jump out looking like death but

with beautiful art to share with the world.

Does the art give me special privilege? No not really

although it has 4 other artists in the past 4-5 hundred

years. Some artists have even raised up from the gutter

& ghetto, to rub shoulders with Kings & presidents.

So my overall potential as an artist, somehow does give

me a special status among others who R not creative genius

artist like me. & all this of course is all documented through

out history, so how could i be making this up.

Now that we R all clear on this artis status thing & that I

am as good as a King or president, then may i say that

being the Achrist (though manifest as living art) does 

indeed set me at the level of kings & according to history.

I therefore being granted all the rights & benefits of a King

do hereby use my Kingly power as Achrist to declare 

myself insane & to be committed to an asylum nearest U.

Shall we pray:

O Lord God Jehovah, we pray that i the Achrist will be

committed to something & some cause, before it's too

late. What? Forget it!   amen.nema.

It Comes In waves

When the depression hits me, it comes on in waves.

Until the waves are crashing against the rocks & shore.

Then I get nervous & antsy & nothings agrees with me.

Then I just either want to kill myself or everyone else.

I feel like no one out there cares about me & what's

worse, nobody out there even knows that I exist,

that is to say, concerning my art & as an artist.

This kind of depression is cyclical and gets worse

with age & over the years. This Weblog De Fuego

has been the main crucible & recording journal of

such ups & downs of my artistic temperament with

bipolarity. As far as me thinking that I am the Achrist

& openly declaring it on most all my blogs, is not 4

any of U to be concerned with. Rather it is true or not

is not the issue here. While said issue is nicely put

away in a box titled my insanity, there it stays until

the aliens (in the future) find it, & make me one of

their mythical gods.

As far as the peanut butter & jelly sandwich goes,

that goes to joe the plumber. So, why would anyone

in their right or left mind want to read anything on

this stupid Weblog De Fuego? 

To learn about bipolarity & creative genius & to see

or read first hand about a crazy guy (me) & his ups

& downs with bipolarity & as an artist who thinks

he is the Achrist. Something which is common among

true bipolar people, is their grandiosity & I excel in

this. 

I personally think that my life is a fascinating and 

eye opening study in such things as creative genius

& the bipolar connection. I even openly claim that

I am insane & getting paid 4 it by the State of 

California. Jeeez Luiz what else do U want. If U R a 

psychology student interested in such things.....

......then I'm your man. Study me & be set free on

your way to a PhD.

Also note that the up swing to such deathly depression

in my beautiful art......Yes i am insane & just plain 

obnoxious at times, but my beautiful piano music

makes up for it here and here,

Too Depressed to work

Waiting for the up swing in my artistic

temperament, is always hell 4 me.

No artist can work while depressed.

Or can they?

All i can do right now is to entertain 

myself by playing with my train simulator

or something stupid and simple like that.

Depression 4 me is like death to my creativity.

I just hate it. Hopefully this depressive cycle 

won't last long, and i can get back to creating

art again. 4 U people that R interested in such

things as artistic temperament and the creative

cycles of someone like me.......then stick around

and learn by watching me first hand & how I

operate as an artist.

I create when I'm up & I curse and hate when I'm down.

But if U R new here, U should check out my actual art

to get a better idea of what the hell I'm talking about.

All my art Music, Paintings and Poetry R found from

right here on this page.........Enjoy all my art.

Also, I am the only artist in the world that is a master

of all three (3) arts, painting poetry and music. click the

above blue links to see 4 yourself and Enjoy.

 

too risky

i am still being watched & followed by agencies 

all around the world...so i will continue to use

the code whisper font 4 this post & in the future

.........over.

I may have to close down all (41) my blogs &

disappear 4 a while underground..............

i will know 4 sure in a few days.......over.

also, code whisper will remain in effect until

further notice. 

Journal of a Depressed Artist

Day 1

got nothing done.

Day 2

got nothing done.

Day 3

got nothing done.

Day 4

etc.

if i could just get my hands around your throat  

it would all be over in a minute............or two.

First comes the depression, then i start to get evil.

then step by step, slowly i turn, until... your dead bitch.

The up beat of creation has the down swing of depression.

While the up beat of depression, has the down swing of

life & death.

Angel De Fuego

Also my spidy Achrist sense tells me that I am being watched

& even at times followed. Both on & off the net.sssssssshhhhhh

we need to whisper now, so i will use this small font as such a 

symbol.

I Can't Get No

I can't get no satisfaction from any aspect of life.

Someone just kill me please. G:-(> Depression is

a bitch, & then U die. Happiness is a warm gun.

Too depressed 4 art, & that's really bad.

could led to war

could lead to blood shed

could lead to murder

could lead to guns

could lead to pain

could lead to chocolate?

could lead to joy

could lead to fun

could lead to life

could lead to satisfaction

could lead to I doubt it

could lead to more depression

could lead to water

could not make me drink

could lead in circles

could make me dizzy 

could make me fall

could make me stop.

When I feel this depressed, I just want to

start killing people starting with U!

Today I'm Depressed.com

I wish i was dead & gone already. i hate life.

no body likes me.....no body loves me........

...... guess i'll go eat worms.

p.s.

go stub your toe.com

Also....it's a lot more FUN being a creative

genius in MANIA, than a creative genius 

who is depressed. bha hum bug.....i'm just

no fun right now.......warning all stay away

or i will symbolically kill U all.....well i was

going to do that anyway but....what? forget it!

The Voice in my Head

The voice in my head tells me to kill,

but i don't have strength nor have I the will.

The voice in my head tells me to lie

but I don't have words to ask myself why.

The voice in my head tells me I'm God,

But I see right thru such crystal facade.

The voice in my head tells me to hate,

but i only know how to love, though it's late. 

My Mental Illness....

My mental illness is controlling me.

It tells me what to do & what to say.

It dress's me in the morning, & it tucks

me in bed at night. It follows me every

where i go. It sometimes tells me to

kill evil people, but i am strong enough

to ignore it then. 

But other times it overwhelms me with

depression & i just want to kill myself,

but i am strong enough to ignore it then.

Other times it tells me lies about U and

them & those other people that we don't 

like. It says that U want to kill me?

Is that true?

WARNING 

U R being scanned by the Achrist.

If it is true, then i will soon know it.

Yes We Did

President Barack Obama

Now that we did, we also can again. Change will happen 

thru President elect Barack Obama. We all got what we

prayed 4, so now lets thank God & be glad that our

President is a good man & WILL lead us his people

out of Bushville & to our long waited 4 promised land

Obama Wins Election

Obama wins the election:

Thank U God Jehovah 4 answering my prayers 

to curse McCain & Palin to their failure.

May you Lord, Bless Obama & the task set before him,

that he Obama my lead our Nation back to the promise

land, amen. 

Back Home In California

Rolled into town last night.

It's good to be back home.

To Sarah Palin I say:

I curse a U & i curse a U shoes....

U lying stupid bitch .....amen

Wireless in Junction

View from our condo in St. Pete Florida.

my leather pants & Harley boots......date on photos not correct...my 

wife is driving.

Fred waving to his fans on Halloween day.... somewhere 

between Florida & Texas.

I am wireless in Junction Texas off (I 10 West)

heading back to California. Trip to

Florida was a success. Photos to

follow later.